Wednesday, 19 August 2009

Life, love and thinking about it all

So if I cannot answer my questions, what can I do to make this situation more clear? Go there? Hm, it's too far away. I cannot reach him at the moment so I really don't know.
That's why I am so confused and so unsure about what I do. Unfortunately, I have no one who can give me advice. Honestly, I don't think I would take any advice. Not because I don't trust anyone, but because this is too big and too serious to give it to someone else to decide for me.
If only he would call, or answer my email. I would have some questions to be answered and maybe I would get some answers.
Am I afraid of what those answers may be? Of course I am.. I wouldn't be a human if I wasn't afraid.

For now, I'm just gonna have to wait.... again

Love, Susan

Wednesday, 12 August 2009

10 questions with no answer

Yes I know I have issues, and I know I don't know how to deal with them. It's not easy, it's not smart to be like that but... right now I can't change it. Or at least I think I can't. Running in circles, again. It's really not fair, I'm trying to make decision, well not just one... So here are some questions I need to answer, and I need to be as honest as I can:

1. Do I still love him?

2. Do I want to spend the rest of my life (or many years) with him?

3. Am I ready to move far away from here with him?

4. If I am ready to do that, what are my reasons?

5. Do I want to stay with someone who doesn't feel the way I feel (or am I just imagining that?) ?

6. What about the things that are going on right now?

7. What do I feel about this one?

8. Do I want him to be my friend, or I want more?

9. What does he feel?

10. How should I decide?

If I could answer them, I think everything would be much much easier.... Until then...

Love, Susan

Wednesday, 15 July 2009

Decisions, resolutions etc

The time has come for me to make a final decision, and as usual I have to think too much and too hard, as always. This time I'm thinking only about myself. And even though last night I was brought to thinking that someone close to me really cares about me and wishes me the best, I found out this morning that it is all not so true.

But I tend to get carried away with my imagination, and that's my biggest flaw. Also I think too much :D

Everything will be solwed once I get away from here, alone.

And that is probably the smartes decision I have ever made.

Love, Susan

Monday, 6 July 2009

Walking away..

It would be so great to just walk away form here, but unfortunately I don't have enough courage to do it. I don't know what scares me that much but I just simpy cannot pick my stuff and just leave....

Leave everyone and everything behind, because I am getting sufficated here. My abillity to make smart decisions slowly disappears. In a month or so, I will be so caught up in them that I will just break down, and I know what comes after that.

So now, I need to think of a gettaway plan, from everyone. I don't care if I will hurt someone... this time I think only about myself.

Love, Susan

Wednesday, 24 June 2009

Viva la Vida

I get bored easily and that's whay I tend to make mistakes and do what I'm not supposed to. But, I cannot help it. I'm doing my best these days not to make mistakes and to make good decisions, but sometimes it is hard to be good all the time. For some, it's impossible.

If necessary, I can pretend that I don't care or that I am not interested about what people think of me. But, most of the time I find myself so worried about the same thing. I cannot allow myself to do this or that because someone may think I am not as good as they thought I was.

And that's my main problem. I am worried about something that I cannot control. Suppresing my real person for somone that I don't even care about too much.
Gotta get ou of those thoughts and live ... :D

Love, Susan

Sunday, 21 June 2009

Sometimes, invisibility would be great...

Not only that I got myself into trouble, now I don't know how to get out of it. I am afraid that if I don't stop this right now, it will be too late. I don't want to end up empty handed and alone. Because that is what you get when you're sitting on two chairs. At least, that's what they say.

I can now only hope that I am doing right thing, and that I will be able to chose wisely this time. Maybe I could let my brain help my heart this time and do what's best for me in long term. Not to get all excited and do something in a spur of a moment.

The only thing I can do now is to think and wait. Well, I am so good in waiting, that's for sure

Love, Susan

Wednesday, 10 June 2009

No way to live

Everything has changed. I cannot say how it will end and what effect will have on all of us, but I hope it will end up good. Otherwise, I don't think I will be able to handle everything. Too much of all these things might just make me go crazy... I wish it was all so easy. I wish he would come back, so that we can see if this can work. Now, I am just stucked here. I am not moving forward and I certainly don't want to go back.

And that's no way to live......

Love, Susan

Thursday, 4 June 2009

So confused

If I knew what I am doing I would be the luckiest girl in the world. UNfortunately, I am as stupid as I can be, and I am not just saying that, I really mean it. I mean, I tell him one thing and than tonight I tried completely other... So stupid and so not me. I shouldn't be doing this kind of things, at least not until I find everything about my future. Tha is even more confusing. WHat will happen, will it happen, I have no idea about anything actualy.

It seams that I am trapped here, in this moment in time and I have no idea wheter I will have any progress or I will be stuck here for the next 20-30 years.

I wish I could just take one glimpse in a future, just to see waht may happen. Than I might stop doing stupid things and start acting more adult and rational. This is just not the way I am used to see myself.

But all this talk will be for nothing if I am not happy. Right now, I don't think I am. And that is what scares me the most....

Love, Susan

Thursday, 14 May 2009

And here we go again.

I know I get all scared with things that happen but I cannot help it. I am scared thaat everything will go to hell and I will be alone, without him. In fact I don't know what scares me the most: the fact that I may have to live my life without him or with him?

It's not a hard decision, if he was here...beside me right now... but he is too far away, for too long, if I may add. I have no idea what I'm going to do or how this will end.

I miss him, I cannot even describe how much, but .... I don't know what will happen.

And that scares me.. a lot....

Love, Susan

Wednesday, 13 May 2009


I probably shouldn't start first sentence of my first post with "I", but I cannot help it :D I have been trying to answer some questions realted to my current life conditions and also to see how far I am able to go without feeling guilty about some things.
What I found out is that I don't feel guilty at all. And that's what scares me the most.

Since I still don't have courage to write about the things that happened and that I think might happen in the future, I will stop right here, for now.......

Love, Susan